In a world that often equates niceness with goodness, it’s easy to fall into the trap of people-pleasing and suppressing your true self. You might constantly worry about others’ opinions, struggle to stand up for yourself, and feel anxious, guilty, or frustrated. But what if being “nice” keeps you from a more fulfilling and powerful life? This article invites you to explore the possibility of moving beyond niceness and embracing your authentic self.

What’s Wrong with Nice?

Nice is often seen as a virtue, synonymous with kindness, compassion, and generosity. However, there’s a crucial distinction. Being nice is about seeking approval and avoiding discomfort. At the same time, true kindness comes from a place of genuine caring and strength. When you prioritize being nice, you may:

• Value others’ opinions of you more than your own.
• Strive to please others, give them everything they want, keep a low profile, and avoid conflict.
• Find it difficult to say “no,” ask for what you want, or openly disagree with others.
• Sacrifice your own needs and desires to make others happy.

This constant striving for approval can lead to a cage of niceness that prevents you from being authentic. But breaking free from this cage can bring a sense of relief and freedom, liberating you from feelings of stress, overwhelm, anxiety, irritation, guilt, resentment, powerlessness, and isolation.

Practical Tip:

Take a moment to reflect on your relationship with niceness. Ask yourself:

• Are you a nice person?
• Would others describe you that way?
• What’s your gut reaction to being nice – positive or negative?

The High Cost of Nice

Striving to be nice takes a toll on your mind, emotions, relationships, and physical health. Some of the significant costs include:

1. Resentment: When you constantly put others first and suppress your own needs, a part of you becomes resentful, angry, and even enraged. This resentment can simmer beneath the surface, affecting your relationships and overall well-being.
2. Chronic Physical Pain: Repressed emotions, especially anger, can manifest as chronic pain. Conditions like headaches, migraines, neck pain, and back pain may be linked to stifled feelings and the need to be “good.”
3. Powerlessness: Living by the rules of the nice person – putting others first, being accommodating, and avoiding conflict – can leave you feeling powerless. You may disconnect from your agency and fall into a victim stance towards life.
4. Isolation: Despite your efforts to be liked, being nice can lead to isolation. When you hide your true self behind a mask of politeness, people may like your persona, but they don’t know you. Genuine connection comes from sharing your authentic self – your fears, desires, challenges, and dreams.

Practical Tip:

Write a list of how being too nice is holding you back in your life. Ask yourself:

• What is it costing you?
• What has it caused you to miss?
• What pain does it force you to live in daily?

The Opposite of Nice: Authenticity and Power

The opposite of nice is not being a jerk or an a**hole. It’s about being genuine, direct, honest, and truthful. It’s about expressing your true thoughts and feelings, standing up for your beliefs, and having difficult conversations when necessary. When you embrace authenticity, you allow others to see and know the real you, fostering deeper connections and genuine love.

Authenticity is closely linked to power. As you let go of niceness, you reclaim your ability to choose your direction, actions, and destiny. You become the creator of your life, no longer bound by the fear of disapproval or the need for external validation. This empowerment allows you to steer your life in the direction you desire, feeling strong and in control.

Practical Tip:

Identify one area of your life where you’re currently holding back to avoid disapproval or discomfort. What would you say or do if you were fully confident, authentic, and expressive? Then, consider what steps you can take to overcome the fear of disapproval in that situation.

The Five Pillars of Not Nice

Breaking free from the niceness cage involves developing five key pillars:

1. Have Boundaries: Understanding and enforcing your limits is crucial for protecting your time, energy, and well-being. Boundaries allow you to say “no” without guilt and prioritize your needs.
2. Own Your Shadow: Your shadow refers to the parts of yourself that you deny or suppress, such as anger, aggression, or selfishness. These are often seen as negative traits but are a natural part of being human. Embracing these aspects can unlock tremendous power and allow you to express yourself more fully.
3. Speak Up: Asserting yourself, your opinions, and your desires is essential for authenticity. This involves challenging others when you disagree, standing behind your convictions, and being willing to have difficult conversations.
4. Say No: Learning to say “no” is a powerful act of self-assertion. It allows you to prioritize your time, energy, and commitments and to avoid overextending yourself.
5. Be More Selfish (in a healthy way): This doesn’t mean being greedy or inconsiderate. It means prioritizing your well-being, meeting your needs, and acting in your healthy self-interest.

Practical Tip:

Choose one of the five pillars and identify a small step you can take today to strengthen it. For example, you could practice saying “no” to a request that you don’t have the time or energy for. Each small step you take towards self-improvement is a significant accomplishment, fueling your motivation and inspiring further growth.

Taking Action: A 30-Day Plan

Breaking free from niceness is a process that requires commitment and action. Here’s a simplified version of a 30-day plan to help you get started:

• Days 1-7: Focus on self-awareness. Identify your approval-seeking behaviors, such as always saying yes to requests, avoiding conflict at all costs, or constantly seeking validation from others. Recognize the costs of being too nice and the benefits of being more authentic.
• Days 8-14: Practice setting boundaries. Start with small requests and gradually work up to more challenging situations.
• Days 15-21: Explore your shadow side. Identify the qualities you tend to suppress and find healthy ways to express them.
• Days 22-28: Practice speaking up. Start with low-stakes situations and gradually increase the level of challenge.
• Days 29-30: Embrace self-care. Identify activities that nourish your mind, body, and soul, and make time for them each day.

Practical Tip:

At the end of each day, reflect on your experiences. Ask yourself:

• What did you learn?
• What challenges did you face?
• How did you feel?

The Rewards of Authenticity

As you move beyond niceness and embrace your authentic self, you’ll experience a profound transformation in all areas of your life. You’ll:

• Develop more profound, meaningful relationships based on genuine connection and mutual respect.
• Increase your self-esteem and confidence as you honor your own needs and desires.
• Experience greater freedom and joy as you shed the burden of people-pleasing.
• Become a more powerful and effective leader as you express your true vision and inspire others.
• Attract more success and abundance as you align your actions with your authentic self.

Breaking free from the niceness cage is not always easy, but it’s worth taking. By embracing authenticity and power, you can uncage your true self and create a truly fulfilling and meaningful life.

Reference

Portland, A. (2017). Not Nice: Stop People-Pleasing, Staying Silent, and Feeling Guilty, and Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, and Unapologetically Being Yourself.